Disclaimer: I do not own the characters used and I am not making money off this story.
I do not give permission for my story to be used anywhere else.
It's hard to believe it's my 200th birthday. I shouldn't keep track I know that, but my men will find some way to throw a party for me and I really don't want one.
It shouldn't worry me, I mean it's just a party but I'm 200! Seriously who keeps track for that long? Looking in the mirror I don't look any older than I did when I was 30, long coal black hair, almost chalk white skin and no I'm not a vampire or shape-shifter, though many out there believe I am.
It shouldn't worry me, I mean it's just a party but I'm 200! Seriously who keeps track for that long? Looking in the mirror I don't look any older than I did when I was 30, long coal black hair, almost chalk white skin and no I'm not a vampire or shape-shifter, though many out there believe I am.
I'm half Mexican and half German. I am also a necromancer. This does not stop me aging, being the human servant of one of the most powerful Vampire masters in the world does. Mind you who's master and who's servant is still up for debate even after all these years. Jean Claude and I have been together for almost that entire time.
He's not the only man in my life not by far. If you had told me, Anita when you are older you are going to have a collection of men bigger and better than anyone else in the world, I would have laughed at you. But there you go; you never know how life will change you.
"What is taking you so long? You're normally the quickest of all of us when it comes to getting ready."
I jumped at the voice of my boyfriend Nathaniel, he's right I normally just run some water over my hair and I'm done, but I got distracted by the mirror, it still feels weird to look so young after so long.
"That's not true Micah is pretty fast when it comes to showering" I grinned at him as I spoke, I can't help acting like a love struck teenager when I look at him, how did I get so lucky?
"Yeah well, he's not here right now, I am and I need a shower so hurry up!"
If anyone else had talked to me that way I would have jumped down their throat, but I knew he was right we had an appointment and it never did well to keep the clients waiting.
I took one last look in the mirror and walked towards the door. I squeeze along side him and he smiles that smile he only ever uses just for me. I stand on my toes and lean up to give him a quick kiss before I walk through the door.
"Don't take too long" I smirk at him as I look back over my shoulder
He just laughs and shut the door. I walk towards my cupboard and sling the doors open wide, my clothes have gotten so much nicer since I moved into The Circus, especially when Jean Claude has the ladies take me shopping. Without them I tend to run towards the jeans and t-shirt look. Of course tonight I need to impress my clients, or so Micah tells me. I reach towards my burgundy dress shirt, and decide to couple it with my emerald green jacket and my little matching skirt. The skirt is just long enough that I will wear it, but only just. I don't normally wear short skirts but it really does make my legs look so much longer, being 5 ft 3' makes a girl notice these things.
I reach for a black lacy bra and matching panties and I'm set. I slide on my shirt then look around for my gun.
I don't go anywhere without it. I carry a Browning High Power, I know I know they don't even make those anymore, but what can I say when I find something I like, I stick with it. Most of my closet is full with tops in the same style with as many different colours as I could find.
He's not the only man in my life not by far. If you had told me, Anita when you are older you are going to have a collection of men bigger and better than anyone else in the world, I would have laughed at you. But there you go; you never know how life will change you.
"What is taking you so long? You're normally the quickest of all of us when it comes to getting ready."
I jumped at the voice of my boyfriend Nathaniel, he's right I normally just run some water over my hair and I'm done, but I got distracted by the mirror, it still feels weird to look so young after so long.
"That's not true Micah is pretty fast when it comes to showering" I grinned at him as I spoke, I can't help acting like a love struck teenager when I look at him, how did I get so lucky?
"Yeah well, he's not here right now, I am and I need a shower so hurry up!"
If anyone else had talked to me that way I would have jumped down their throat, but I knew he was right we had an appointment and it never did well to keep the clients waiting.
I took one last look in the mirror and walked towards the door. I squeeze along side him and he smiles that smile he only ever uses just for me. I stand on my toes and lean up to give him a quick kiss before I walk through the door.
"Don't take too long" I smirk at him as I look back over my shoulder
He just laughs and shut the door. I walk towards my cupboard and sling the doors open wide, my clothes have gotten so much nicer since I moved into The Circus, especially when Jean Claude has the ladies take me shopping. Without them I tend to run towards the jeans and t-shirt look. Of course tonight I need to impress my clients, or so Micah tells me. I reach towards my burgundy dress shirt, and decide to couple it with my emerald green jacket and my little matching skirt. The skirt is just long enough that I will wear it, but only just. I don't normally wear short skirts but it really does make my legs look so much longer, being 5 ft 3' makes a girl notice these things.
I reach for a black lacy bra and matching panties and I'm set. I slide on my shirt then look around for my gun.
I don't go anywhere without it. I carry a Browning High Power, I know I know they don't even make those anymore, but what can I say when I find something I like, I stick with it. Most of my closet is full with tops in the same style with as many different colours as I could find.
I find it sitting on top of my pillow; Nathaniel must have moved it there for me once he got up. I pick up my custom made holster and slip it over my shoulders, the gun slides in easily.
Instantly I feel grounded, I used to worry about the feeling of safety holding a gun gave me, now I just move on, I try not to pick at every feeling I have.
“ Are you two ready yet? ”
Micah leans against the door frame with his arms folded across his chest, his suit jacket straining just along the edges from his muscles. He may be the same height as me, with a face too pretty to be allowed but his body is all male.
“ Nathaniel is just finishing off now", I shrug into my jacket automatically checking the line against the fit of the gun, " I don’t think he’s washing his hair so we should make it on time.”
As I finish speaking the bathroom door swings open and Nathaniel walks out fully dressed ready to go, he walks up behind me and wraps his arms around me.
“Okay lets go we can’t keep the big men waiting” he catches Micah's eyes as he laughs and I know they are sharing a guy moment.
We walk single file up the stairs and Micah opens the door, making the thick Iron look like nothing more than paper-thin flax. We walk across the parking lot towards my car when shots start firing at us from every direction. I drop to the ground pulling my browning out as a fall.
I check to see that Micah and Nathaniel are okay, knowing they can move even faster than I can. My eyes already scanning the area looking for trouble.
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words 940
Aside from the grammatical errors, the story is going very well. The story reflects an intimate understanding of the Anita Blake series not just because it provides accurate background information, but the style of writing mimic's Laura K. Hamilton's.
ReplyDeleteReally descriptive, despite punctuation and grammatical errors. It's easy to get into my mind when I read it. The spacing could be better though because even spacing means you can read faster and not squinting your eyes on the words. Good job and keep improving your writing =).
ReplyDeleteGood start. You introduced the characters well and it was easy to understand from the very beginning. Just make sure to check your contractions. You said "Im" and "dont". It should be "I'm" and "don't".
ReplyDeletegood catchy start. keep some tension going
ReplyDeleteThe story is very well constructed, and the flow of it is easy to follow.
ReplyDeleteIt's a very good start, you just need to correct the grammer mistakes through out the story, ex: para 3: "Mind you whose master and whose servant is still up.." Is that supposed to be who's rather than whose? it would make much more sense, to me atleast :)
Finally, you finished. Well, my comment was pretty much done while your story was under construction. So now I'm going to comment again. You pretty much ignore the punctuation in some parts such as the comma. I think I agree with rania of your 3rd paragraph. Would be more appropriate if you rephrase to a conventional sentence if you're not sure about this. I might repharase it to "Not to mention that who's servant and who's master is still debatable even after all these years." I'm thrilled at the ending, it makes me lust for more. RAWR.
ReplyDeleteHey Sarah, good story although the like Rania and Kelvin said, need to work on the punctuation in places.
ReplyDeleteAs for the ending, it feels like it needs a more closed ending. I wanted to read more but it just ended at "My eyes already scanning the area looking for trouble". I wanted to know what happens after that.
Sorry, I'm not sure if I'm commenting on the same draft or not, but here goes anyway. There are still some grammar and punctuation issues to be dealt with. For ex, in your 1st par. it should be "and no I'm not a vampire or a shapeshifter, though many out there believe I am.", I think :p
ReplyDeleteThanks Damian but that was the point I considered doing a more detailed ending but decided I wanted a cliff hanger.
ReplyDeleteYou're all right about the who's versus whose sentence I originally had who's and Word kept telling me to change it which totally made me second guess myself so I changed it, glad to know my original thoughts were rights.
Why don't you publish yours as your final? You've completed it with a perfect plot but keep in mind on the above comments by other classmates.
ReplyDelete